The very last post.

well this blog has seen me through a month that started on a couch with no hope in sight and ended with a college degree and a rad summer camp home. I say well done! thank you to village that has cheered me on and the longsuffering spirit of my teacher for believing in me when I didnt. Donald Dunbar you are a saint among educators.

A short list of things I'll miss about my summer camp home

1. the peacefulness of being in the middle of the forest and farmland

2. Having friends live "across the street"

3. A herd of hungry boys to cook for.

4. Waking up to various music from the 94379473 musicians that live here.

5. overall the sense of always being on a mini vacation.

ONE MORE TIME WITH FEELING

And now for something completely different  

in the spirit of today

Everyone take a deep breath and put your ray charles glasses on and lets get down ...

This time last year

365 days ago I had my very first day as a Culinary Management student at Oregon Culinary  Institute.  I can honestly say that I never thought I’d make it to this day. As close as last week I thought  that it was all over and I had lived up to what have always been  most peoples expectations of me. But through a whole lot of determination  blood ,sweat and a whole lot of tears. I've made it to the end of college. As far as I know I am the first woman in both my adoptive and biological families to graduate from college as well as doing the impossible. What is the impossible  Well when I was a freshman in high school I was diagnosed with 4 different kinds of dyslexia as well as other learning disabilities. I remember my occupational therapist telling my mom “she will never graduate from high school,drive a car or go to college” well eat it sucka!  Because I've  done all of those things as of today. I've defeated homelessness, having several jobs at once and being sick and even being on crutches for 3 weeks while being in school. Not only have I done all of the things I was told I couldn't , I've also done them faster and better than most. I am now off to my next grand adventure as the very first extern ever at Graft Restaurant.

EMERGHERD ITS FURDAY

It’s Friday ..

Here’s a small list of reasons why I’m glad its Friday and my 2^nd to last day of school ever

1.    I’m mostly convinced that If I were to try and think anymore this week the combined pressure from my cold and my brain melting would cause spontaneous combustion
2.      As discussed in my previous blog post “the big junkyard in the sky”  my car is dead and I’m running very short on gas money to pay people to drive me the hour to school from my summer camp house.
3.      As it gets closer to getting packed the inventory of my clean clothes that remain unpacked gets smaller and smaller thus leading to a greater resemblance to a mismatched hobo everyday.
4.       I’ve got things to do like laundry and packing..I have an entire duffle bag of shoes to pack for crying out loud.
5.       Last and defiantly not least I’m fresh out of fucks to give about school. Not that I haven’t loved the experience but I’m ready to get this show on the road.

The big junkyard in the sky.

Dear Biggie Smalls, You've been such a faithful car these almost 2 years.  We have been through

a lot together and you’ve been such a faithful friend. We have been through alot

together and  weathered more than a few storms. You were me for all 3 of my drivers test and for

my first solo drives where I felt like finally the world was my oyster.  We saw drives to the beach, to Camp Morrow for Revolution Fall Camp, trips to GU and youth group and more than a few trips to school and work. You were even there for my first ticket ,car accident and driving in the snow experiernce. We’ve seen new tires, a new radiatior and a host of other new parts.   There was the time that we went on long country drives with the windows down and the music up (for the brief period before the stereo quit)  one time we drove to mcminville for IPNC to cook and hang out with chefs and other foodies from all over portland.  There was also the times  that we drove to school at 6 in the morning and watched the sun come up over the Columbia river.  Thank you for your faithful service these last couple years and I will always remember you fondly.

Colds, clutter and clusterfornications

I’m now down to 6 days before I leave for my externship and I have yet to start on the list of things to do. I woke up this morning with a death train like cold and haven't been able to shake it which has made my productivity level for today really hit the crapper.  I was thinking as I begin my zombie like hour commute to school this morning that this entire school adventure has been one fraught with sickness. For the last 4 or 5 years I've been dealing with a chronic pain disorder commonly known as fibromyalgia. Unfortunatly  its one of those disorders that you “don’t look sick” when you have it. It presents with chronic pain ,muscle spasms and other flu like symptoms. There is no cure for it and the recomenned treatments include regular chiropractic care,a plethora of prescription anti inflammatory s and regular medical treatment.  None of these things are very accessible for a full time college student on a 25 hour a week fast food salary. Not to mention that in the competitive world of  culinary school there’s no such thing as a sick day. So I’ve fought migraines and other assorted fibro related nonsense  for a year now  and sometimes I just get really tired and need a break. So hopefully after my externship things will calm down and I will get a break.

You've got brains in your head and feet in your shoes

For as long as I can remember I’ve loved Dr Suess and one of my favorites has always been “oh the places You’ll go” because it’s a reminder of why  hard work has totally payed off.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on y our way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be as famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't
Because, sometimes they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike,
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never foget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
You're off the Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Leaving on a jet plane.

Here’s a small list of things I need to acomplish in the next week and why you shouldn’t procrastinate.

1.       Clean my car (its currently closer in resemblance to  a Calcutta Funeral Pyre than an actual automobile.)

2.       Decide what I want to  pack for the next 3 months in Atlanta.

3.       See all the people who want to hang out before I leave including my own family dinner I have to have Sunday.

4.       Do laundry

5.       Find all the matches for all the 8904043 pairs of shoes I know I need for the next while.

6.        Get all of my stuff moved from summer camp to my parents house to store while im gone.

7.       Finish about 8 blog posts and other assorted assignments so I can actually get a high enough grade in my last class to graduate and move on.

8.       And last but most importantly enjoy this last week and the culmination of everything I’ve worked for

slot machines and self sabatoge.

Things have been interesting this last week, as my time winds down in Portland and I get ready for my next big adventure I cant help but be terrified. This next step is the culmination of everything I’ve been working for  this last year and everything I’ve ever wanted . I have this really terrible ability to  as one of my chef’s call it “get in my own way”  I cant help but feel like that no matter how hard I try my biggest nemisis will always be myself and my own insecurities. This last year of my life I’ve battled bouts with homelessness, my brothers diagnosis with Lukemia and balancing having 2 and even 3 jobs while going to school full time. I know that I’ve made it this far  despite all of this and my goal in the next four days is to get through school without tripping over my own feet. I refuse to be one of those people who blame everyone else for their mistakes  nor will I be one who blames their misfortunes of circumstance alone. But on the flip side I got so used to not asking for help that I let myself get into a situation where I essentially disapeared  without communicating with anyone about what was going on and so it looked like I had just said “fuck it” and stopped going to school despite the fact that I was actually struggling with putting enough gas in my car to get to school.  So todays lesson is to remember that our biggest enemy is often no one but ourselves and that its not terrible to ask for help. Breathe and remember why you ‘ve sacrified so much to get here. JUST KEEP SWIMMING

No I wont drink your Jesus koolaid

So the place that I’ve been staying is a evangelical conference center owned by a group of people who are trying to establish a 24/7 “house of prayer” on the grounds of the camp. Because I was raised as and remain to be  evangelical christian I don’t at all have a problem with this and appreciate having like minded people around me. The downside for me is that because I spent two years in a very cult like urban missions program that left me very skeptical  of the “all of nothing” additude of a lot of these types of churches. The organization that I was a part of in Atlanta preached a brand of theology that  required ultimate submission to authority and that it was sin to ask questions or to not to what you were told. As a test of your devotion the Lord and your leadership during the 3^rd year of the program you are driven blindfolded to a airfield and told that if you don’t jump out of a plane then you don’t love Jesus and you are in rebellion and headed to hell. Having been immersed in this nonsense for almost 2 years its made me very suspicious of anything that even slightly resembles that. So I have come to a conclusion with these people who are letting me stay at the camp. Yes I appreciate you and what you are doing for me but no I wont drink your Jesus kool aid.

this one time when I lived at summer camp.

After a long and adruous search for a place to stay for my last month in town before my externship, my friend let me know about a summer camp in Canby that was mostly vacant for the winter and was willing to let me stay for the time before I leave for Atlanta.  So on a blustery Friday right before Christmas I moved to summer camp. My assumption about where I was going to be living was totally based on my childhood experiences with summer camp.  Once I got there I discovered that instead of staying in an unheated cabin I had a very nice “studio apartment in the woods” I have my own huge bathroom and an awesome heater and even WIFI. Not so bad for summer camp. The only downside is that the only kitchen I have to use is  practically on the other side of camp. So that has led to some interesting adventures like the first night I tried to find the kitchen in the dark in a windstorm and felt like my life had suddenly turned into a horror movie. Now I make my friends who live there  walk me to my cabin in the dark and they make lots of jokes about me getting eaten by a bear. It seems like things have finally calmed down for me and I can focus on getting ready to leave for my externship