My friend Travis died on Thursday.

we had lost touch over the last year or so but because still saw his brother on a fairly regular basis I would ask how he was doing and last I had heard, he was healthy and had a job he loved and was working hard to mend his relationships. Travis was hilarious, a  sweeter than sweet tea on the porch on a Sunday afternoon, a gentle hurricane of a human being.  

When I met him I had just moved back to Atlanta and was working at the dream center’s children’s ministry. I also worked in the kitchen and I met Travis because one Friday afternoon he stopped and asked me “hey what’s for dinner” and we became fast friends. I admit that at first I had a bit of a crush on him. It was almost impossible not to, he oozed charisma and literally could light up a room. We bonded quickly over a love of tattoos, Red Hot Chili Peppers and cooking. He always gave me grief for being short and I would give him a slug in the arm and tell him to knock it off. I spent about six months living in the same building and working at the dream center with Travis. He’d often show up at our apartment door asking to borrow a movie just in time for dinner and I’d always send him back down with a plate of whatever we’d made for dinner.

I have so many beautiful memories of Travis but the like a line in my favorite Switchfoot song says “every blessing comes with a set of curses”. Travis was a heroin addict who had been waging war for years with the demons of depression, trauma and addiction.  

Sometimes he was hard to love and he often broke our hearts and would end back on the street using. But through it all those glimpses of who he could be would peek through. The reality of addiction is that despite the obvious sins of the person who uses, they are in fact still people, people who love and are loved by so so many other.

Maybe I’m just a sucker for the underdog but I think part of why this hurts so much is because I saw who he could be when he was free from the chains that had held him down for so many years.

 During one of the last conversations we had we were talking about the struggles he was having recovering from an overdose that had left him in a medically induced coma for over a month. I remember him sobbing as we sat on the tailgate of a box truck behind the dream center as he poured out how frustrated he was that he had lost so much cognitive function. Regardless of your opinion of addiction I know he tried, I watched him fight hard and pay the physical and emotional toll of addiction.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this experiencing of being friends with and losing Travis it’s that “love alone is worth the fight” Love is never without risk and the more boldly we choose to love the broken, the addiction and the forgotten the riskier it becomes, and even though it didn’t end the way that any of us hoped it would.  I hope that he knew he was loved, that he would know that we fought for his heart for so long and that we will continue to fight for those for whom “love alone is worth the fight”

The funny thing about loss and pain is that it can harden us against those attachments that caused us the pain of loss, the only and best way I can think to honor the memory of my friend Travis Wayne Backus, is to love people without fear holding me back and to cherish every moment like the next isn’t promised.

I’ll miss you friend.

" we are His portion and He is our Prize"

" Drawn to redemption by the Grace in His eyes" I realized today that this time six years ago life looked a lot different. I was broken and desperate for a solution. Though I've shared my testimony with quite a few people I've never done it publicly over social media so bear with me. Try not to be shocked but instead be grateful for Redemption and the Hope that saved me.  Often people are told "don't glorify your past" but to understand the miracle of Hope in my life you have to understand how dark it was.

When I was growing up I knew The Lord and had spent my high school years In an amazing youth church called "refuge"  I had known the Lords voice but had a tumultuous adolescence that involved moving out before I finished high school,more than one stint of couch hopping ,depression and self harm. Through all of this I had a church family who loved and supported me even when I didn't act like I appreciated it. Shortly after graduation my pastors who had been the lighthouse In a storm for me for long time announced that they were closing the church and focusing on other things. I felt so abandoned and betrayed. I had long struggled with the wounds of abandonment and felt it all over again. So I quickly tried to develop a support system with my new friends. Everything they did I had to do no matter the consequence. If they drank I drank more, if they slept around so did I. Quickly I spiraled into a series of broken relationships with boys unable to deal with my issues.

Fast forward a year and a half and I was back together with my high school sweet heart and living every 20 year old party girls dream life. I was drunk probably 4 nights a week. I remember more than once setting out with the goal of "let's drink till we can't see"  I was trying everything I could to fill the void. I was planning an extravagant wedding with what I thought was the man of my dreams.

 In early January of 2008 he left me. Out of nowhere and every insecurity and feeling of abandonment came crashing around me. I was desperate to not feel or deal with the life sucking grief that I was experiencing.  Soon after the break up I foolishly got an apartment by myself and began to dig a misery pit so deep I couldn't get out on my own. I became a functioning alcoholic who worked a solid 40-50 hours a week but was drunk if I was home. There was a point where I was probably spending 2-300 dollars a month on alcohol. I barely had food in my apartment. In addition to this extremely self destructive behavior   I was sleeping around because booze and sex were the only things that could numb the brokenness that I felt. I was even continuing a physical relationship with the man who had shattered my heart. One night in drunken desperation I cried out to God to kill me because "if this was as good as it gets I don't want any part of it"

This destructive pattern continued into March when my friend from high school who was attending a Master Commission program in Atlanta reached out to me and pitched the idea  of me coming to visit her. Honestly my first thought was "me ? Jesus school? Yeah right"  on a whim one night I decided to google it. Rather than finding hers I found the "Atlanta Dream Center Masters Commission " page. I sent then an email inquiring about their program expecting a response about how they weren't accepting students mid year and that I wasn't nearly holy enough for this place. A few days later I received a phone call from a pastors wife who said "well we don't do this but we feel like it's The Lord. If you want to come here how fast can you get here?" I nearly dropped my phone but knew in that instant that Hope was coming and all I had to do was accept it. In  a space of 9 days I quit my job, broke my apartment lease and gave away 90% of everything I owned.

Tuesday April 1st 2008 I flew by myself for the first time ever, exhausted , hung over  and totally broken but confident that Hope was waiting just on the other side. As I began my first few weeks I was surrounded by a family who loved me despite my foul mouth and inability to keep my room clean. More than the love of my mc family. I experienced True Love for the first time. The kind that heals the cracked bits and waters a dusty soul. I fell In love with a King who saw me in my darkest , who knew me when I was desperate for anything but Him. Who waited patiently for that moment in a graffitied 15 passenger van that smelled like old bread when I finally stopped fighting and surrendered to the One who will never abandon me.

The road home since hasn't been easy. I've walked away, convinced I was beyond Grace and not worth fighting for.  I've compromised who I know I am for who I used to be. But like Gomer In the book of Hosea I've been chased after and brought home over and over again.

I bare my soul because I know with everything that I am that Rescue is possible and that Hope is as real as breathing.

Loss is such an awkward word

Loss is such an awkward word

You can lose your lunch and you can lose someone you love and its not the same thing.

You can find your life, your dog and your favorite pair of shoes

But maybe its just me and I'm using the wrong navigation app but I cant seem to find anything like that summer of 2005

When life tasted like strawberry Fanta and sounded like crickets at twilight when we sat on the curb and

pondered the mysteries of 17 year old life.

Maybe someone spilled reality on my treasure map and we're all out of bounty

but maybe the part of growing up they leave out of the brochure is the paragraph that explains that people

you love will die for no reason sometimes, several in one week even.

At night when the questions of "what if" clog your heart when all you were trying to do was sleep and not

solve the mysteries of life.

You have to remember. always REMEMBER. But keep walking.

Despite the fact that it feels like you left pieces of your heart on the road labeled "12-27" and unlike shoes,

dogs and favorite movies you'll never get those back

The best thing to do, in fact the only thing to do is to keep breathing

Because they can't and regardless of your feelings on what happens after this.

The treasure map labeled "27-90" looks promising and this time its laminated and somebody brought handi wipes.

Sometimes I cry in Starbucks instead of playing board games and other reasons why ministry isnt glamourous

Its January 16 2014 I've officially been in Atlanta for almost 5 months today. These have easily been the 2nd hardest 5 months of my life. I am now running our after school program by myself instead of corunning it with our previous intern like I had been since September.
 That alone is a challenge, to create lesson plans that work to educate and grab the interest of 1st-5th graders, in addition to that I am also continuing to develop our nutrition education program and I teach a class of middle schoolers every week in kids church on sunday mornings.

 Recently the meager support that I had been able to raise dried up and I realized that while staying with some amazing friends and fellow MC alumni had been wonderful it would no longer be financially feasible to spend 50 dollars a week on gas to get to work and back. So with  frustration in my heart I realized the only solution would be to move to the DC intern and staff housing that I lived in as an student back in 2008. Thankfully my two best friends at the DC offered to let me stay on their couch until we can figure out the best housing situation for the 3 of us. So I find myself these days on a couch with cushions that like to slide off while im sleeping and currently in an apartment without working heat or running water (the 7 degree weather we had last week did some damage hopefully the water will be back on shortly and by shortly I mean today)

Now don't get it twisted. I'm not complaining. Yes this is hard on the body, mind and soul. But everyday I get the opportunity to change the world. I do this because I spent years of my life living like I was the most important person and all that mattered was that I got what I wanted out of people.

Now I get to work with people who have fought their own battles against addiction, abuse and statistics and come out transformed. I work alongside former drug addicts and drug dealers and the homeless.
I also work alongside people who have chosen to give up successful careers as lawyers, musicians and business owners who have chosen to give everything they have up in the pursuit of Reaching, Rescuing and Restoring the broken  of Atlanta

I have the opportunity to give 8 kids from the inner city of Atlanta the opportunity to see a life and a future outside of the poverty, single parenthood, teen pregnancy and drug abuse that pervades their everyday experience

I get to speak hope into a struggling 11 year old who's mother is so strung out on drugs that she doesn't even do her homework with her after school.

I get to cook a nutritious and delicious home cooked meal  once a week for 80 students and staff in our school who have given up their lives for 9 months to learn how to chase after their destiny with everything they have.

I get to crack jokes and make smoothies  with our "homies" our formerly homeless men who as a part of their ongoing quest for restoration serve 40 hours a week in our thrift store and food ministry.

In short the pros far outweigh the cons because I get to be a part of what it is to Reach, Rescue and Restore the broken.


ps. If you could please remember me in prayer for continued energy, wisdom, patience and endurance that would be awesome. If you would like to support me in this endeavor financially that would be amazing. Please email Beckydavie@yahoo.com for more info how to do that and how it can be tax deductible. I also love care packages and if you like to send me one heres a list of things I always need/love
Shampoo(anything for colored hair)
toothpaste
coffee
chocolate (especially dark)
laundry money(moving downtown means I live without a in home laundry facilities)
gas money gift cards.
chapstick and cocoa butter, Atlanta winters are murder on my skin
encouraging notes.
anything really, I love mail.

Loss , legacy and leggings.

Today I learned that some close friends of mine have lost their dad after a long battle with cancer. I can't even imagine the soul crushing grief that comes with losing a parent. I can only pray for them and make it a point to talk to my dad more often and cherish every moment that I have with him.

This last season of  my life has been one of loss and victory. In the last 6 months I have lost a relationship that I thought was solid, a friend who was like a brother and now a spiritual parent.   As I drove home from work today I spent some time pondering loss both of people and of relationships and of the myriad emotions I felt the most common one was a sense of gratitude for every moment that I’ve  had with those two people that I’ve lost and for the lessons they’ve  taught me.

Austin Dionne was my brother in arms. I first met him in 2008 when he came to spend a week checking out this crazy masters commission with my good friend Brandon Roberts. Austin was the kind of person whos enthusiasm for  life was contagious. He taught me to not take life so seriously and to love people with everything that you have. In the tragedy that was losing him to suicide I learned what it is to fight for the hearts of people that you love and that miles don’t matter. I hold everyone I love so much closer now and refuse to turn a blind eye to the pain of those around me.  The short time I was able to do life with Austin is time I will cherish forever.  December -11 -1990-October- 10 -2013

Ed Bjorklund was the kind of man they talk about in western movies. I first met him when I was about 16 years old and was attending a youth group that his son Daniel and Daughter Kristen also attended. I remember being slightly in awe of this man who seemed like he could fix anything with his bare hands. For the next few years I spent many summer afternoons invading his backyard pool with our assortment of unwashed teenagers. Despite the noise and mess that we always brought with us  Ed was so very willing to open his home to our band of ruffians. He was the sort of gentle giant who you knew that would always be there if you needed him.  Even though we learned to never pat him on the head *cough moofis* we always knew that if we needed to talk out a life problem or didn't know why our cars were making that weird rattling sound Ed would always be there with wisdom, patience and a willingness to see it through to the finish.

 Ed and his wife even opened their home to me during a rough patch of my life and let me sleep on their couch on more than one occasion where I found myself without a home.  From them I learned how to love people where they were at and to give without expecting anything in return. I learned what it is to leave a legacy of faith and that the character of a person is really what matters.

When I found out a few years ago that he had cancer I almost didn’t believe it. He was the sort of man who like my dad and grandpa was invincible. I’ve been able to walk alongside his amazing kids during this journey and if their was ever a man whose legacy of faith is echoed in the hearts and attitudes of his family it was Ed. Even though my heart breaks for Sarah, Kristin, Daniel , Brian and Ms Teri . I am so thankful for the legacy he left behind and for the example of character , integrity and selflessness He taught me.

W

Bonfires, burn out and bakeries.

Its been a very long time since I posted an update. Things here in Atlanta have been going extremely well.
I am being challenged daily to love more deeply and be more patient.  I wish that every one of you could spend a day doing "dream center life" with the people I get to chase God's dreams with.  In light of the fact that thats nearly impossible for most. Here is a small  peek into the hearts of the people I spend my days with.

My PIC. Miss Elena Outlaw. This girl though. There are few people in the world who can navigate the balance between Cotillion and cat fights. She is our assistant director of metro kidz and the brain behind our kidz church program and events like trunk or treat. I first met her last year when I came out to do my externship for culinary school and got to know her a bit. This girl truly embodies the phrase "grace under fire" I have seen her go from eloquently explaining the misson of Metro Kidz to a potential donor to dealing with a screaming 9 year old without skipping a beat. She teaches me grace, patience and the ability to love when you just want to give up. Thank you El for keeping me sane, sharing a love of secret chocolate stashes and understanding the occasional need to "lock ourselves in the office and eat lunch" I really don't know what I would do without you.

Mr Marc Hewlett.  First of all thank you for not being creeped out by the fact that I googled you before we ever met. I am so thankful to be lead in this adventure by someone who loves Jesus and loves our kids in such a real and authentic way. The other day I was chatting with someone about the amazing job you're doing with Metro Kidz and it occurred to me that you are so committed to our kids and so in love with our community that we have to tell you to take days off or we will tell pastor. Thank you for your leadership and reminding us that sometimes you just need to have Popsicles about it.

These are just two of the people I get to spend the most time but there are countless others on staff at the DC/interns/school of ministry students who daily inspire me to greatness, make me laugh and keep me chugging when I want to give up.  I really have the best life ever.