" Drawn to redemption by the Grace in His eyes" I realized today that this time six years ago life looked a lot different. I was broken and desperate for a solution. Though I've shared my testimony with quite a few people I've never done it publicly over social media so bear with me. Try not to be shocked but instead be grateful for Redemption and the Hope that saved me. Often people are told "don't glorify your past" but to understand the miracle of Hope in my life you have to understand how dark it was.
When I was growing up I knew The Lord and had spent my high school years In an amazing youth church called "refuge" I had known the Lords voice but had a tumultuous adolescence that involved moving out before I finished high school,more than one stint of couch hopping ,depression and self harm. Through all of this I had a church family who loved and supported me even when I didn't act like I appreciated it. Shortly after graduation my pastors who had been the lighthouse In a storm for me for long time announced that they were closing the church and focusing on other things. I felt so abandoned and betrayed. I had long struggled with the wounds of abandonment and felt it all over again. So I quickly tried to develop a support system with my new friends. Everything they did I had to do no matter the consequence. If they drank I drank more, if they slept around so did I. Quickly I spiraled into a series of broken relationships with boys unable to deal with my issues.
Fast forward a year and a half and I was back together with my high school sweet heart and living every 20 year old party girls dream life. I was drunk probably 4 nights a week. I remember more than once setting out with the goal of "let's drink till we can't see" I was trying everything I could to fill the void. I was planning an extravagant wedding with what I thought was the man of my dreams.
In early January of 2008 he left me. Out of nowhere and every insecurity and feeling of abandonment came crashing around me. I was desperate to not feel or deal with the life sucking grief that I was experiencing. Soon after the break up I foolishly got an apartment by myself and began to dig a misery pit so deep I couldn't get out on my own. I became a functioning alcoholic who worked a solid 40-50 hours a week but was drunk if I was home. There was a point where I was probably spending 2-300 dollars a month on alcohol. I barely had food in my apartment. In addition to this extremely self destructive behavior I was sleeping around because booze and sex were the only things that could numb the brokenness that I felt. I was even continuing a physical relationship with the man who had shattered my heart. One night in drunken desperation I cried out to God to kill me because "if this was as good as it gets I don't want any part of it"
This destructive pattern continued into March when my friend from high school who was attending a Master Commission program in Atlanta reached out to me and pitched the idea of me coming to visit her. Honestly my first thought was "me ? Jesus school? Yeah right" on a whim one night I decided to google it. Rather than finding hers I found the "Atlanta Dream Center Masters Commission " page. I sent then an email inquiring about their program expecting a response about how they weren't accepting students mid year and that I wasn't nearly holy enough for this place. A few days later I received a phone call from a pastors wife who said "well we don't do this but we feel like it's The Lord. If you want to come here how fast can you get here?" I nearly dropped my phone but knew in that instant that Hope was coming and all I had to do was accept it. In a space of 9 days I quit my job, broke my apartment lease and gave away 90% of everything I owned.
Tuesday April 1st 2008 I flew by myself for the first time ever, exhausted , hung over and totally broken but confident that Hope was waiting just on the other side. As I began my first few weeks I was surrounded by a family who loved me despite my foul mouth and inability to keep my room clean. More than the love of my mc family. I experienced True Love for the first time. The kind that heals the cracked bits and waters a dusty soul. I fell In love with a King who saw me in my darkest , who knew me when I was desperate for anything but Him. Who waited patiently for that moment in a graffitied 15 passenger van that smelled like old bread when I finally stopped fighting and surrendered to the One who will never abandon me.
The road home since hasn't been easy. I've walked away, convinced I was beyond Grace and not worth fighting for. I've compromised who I know I am for who I used to be. But like Gomer In the book of Hosea I've been chased after and brought home over and over again.
I bare my soul because I know with everything that I am that Rescue is possible and that Hope is as real as breathing.
